Honesty. Really painful.

Do you pray? If so pray for me now. When I started these blogs I determined that I would be honest. This is honest.

There are some things I find really difficult and today I am doing one of them. It’s laughably minor in the great scale of things, tiny and trivial in my life story. I will have difficulty remembering it in even a few month’s time. But it makes me very nervous, very unsure of myself, and just plain shaky.

Today, due to a series of stupid decisions, I have to sell my great little Volvo. I’ve never sold a car before, only ever traded them in, when the salesman is eager to offer the best possible price in order to secure his sale. But this selling thing is very different. It means I have to find a porta cabin in some car park in a town I’ve never been to, and meet a man who will or will not offer me some bartered amount of cash for it. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he sounds unfrightening and ordinary. But I really really don’t want to meet him. I don’t want to talk numbers. I have a problem with numbers. Will 326 be more or less than 390? Here, in writing, it’s obvious. Talking, my brain empties and I don’t know anything. Panic. The numbers jumble and dance. I’m going to get it wrong. My brain screams ‘You’re going to get it wrong!’ and I stand there like a goon.

The two things I dread most – strange men and numbers. Bonkers.

So, if you pray, pray for me today. No panic. No sweaty hands, no squirming, no desire to run, no abandonment of the job in hand, just calm.

It’s so tiny. It’s so so tiny. But our lives are made up of tiny challenges. There’s a bible verse – I quoted it yesterday so it should be a guide. today (should my chicks, not will) , ‘Fear of man will prove a stumbling block’. That can be understood as ‘fear of man’s opinions’ or  ‘fear of being disliked’ but listen, it can also mean ‘fear of a man in a porta cabin in a South Wales town.’

Honestly. What a twit I am. Tell me to make like a pair of curtains and pull myself together. Tell me to get on with it. No, don’t. I won’t listen anyway. And I won’t read any comments so spare yourselves the bother. I know you are all supportive and kindly but  I can’t risk you saying something that will make the panic worse.  My thinking on days like this isn’t clear.

I’m going to take the dogs to the beach now and pray, and remember who God is, and who I am, and turn the day over to Him. Is he a match for a bloke in a porta cabin in a car park? The God of all creation?

Yep. He is. So here we go.

To be continued……..

JUST ONE HOUR LATER: oh, boy, was that wasted nervous energy or what? Just had a call – someone who read the blog wants to buy the car! And it’s going to someone I love, who will use it well and be safe in it and I am so happy.

I also had a call from a friend offering to go with me to the man in the porta cabin.

People, eh? God, eh? Honesty, eh? It’s always the best policy.

Phew. All those butterflies for nothing. There’s some big message and lesson there… but for now I’m just going to have my quiet time with a cup of coffee. Oh, after I’ve called the man in the porta cabin. And given my heartfelt thanks to God.






4 thoughts on “Honesty. Really painful.

  1. I empathise completely. Currently in a very male orientated garage having the battery on my car tested and changed….fish out of water and a woman seriously out of pocket! Wish I was on a beach right now. You are in my prayers.


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