I have written this blog for more than a year and I’m still uncertain about its nature and purpose. Why do I write it?
I’ve come to the conclusion that I write it because I need to communicate with someone, anyone, and the way I communicate is by the written word. But I am also alone and I think that this is where the problem has arisen; I’ve treated this blog as if it’s a friend, a confidante. But friends converse and discuss, and grow closer, become easier with each other, share intimacies and laughter and absurdities. Friends can correct misunderstandings as they arise, explain themselves, say “No, what I mean is….”
I think that when I blog I sometimes treat you, the reader, as if you are a friend. Some of you are. Most of you are strangers. And sometimes I touch a raw spot with those I know because they read my words as if I am criticising them, or my community. I’m usually not, I’m simply thinking aloud, trying to make a contact, exploring ideas. Sometimes I need to ‘say’ my thoughts to hear them come back to me, to refine them, to balance them… and because there’s no one to hear my voice, I write. I live in silence. For the last 5 years I’ve lived in silence, maybe talking, actually talking, for five minutes in a day. And usually those 5 minutes have been banal. So I need to write.
This blog was never meant to be a lecture or an admonition or any sort of judging platform. I think I hurt someone I know recently by something I said. That’s not good.
You know, when you live alone for as long as I have, you can misunderstand your own need for companionship. I sometimes treat people as if they are friends when they are not, when they are just people I know. And I treated this blog as if it was a friend. But it isn’t. If you don’t know me, don’t spend time with me, don’t walk on the beach with me, if I don’t make you a meal, if you don’t recognise my face, and I don’t drop by for a coffee uninvited, if you don’t include me in your life, if you don’t call me for a chat at some weird hour, and we don’t laugh at the same things, if I can’t sit with you and share what God means to me, and you can’t sit with me to pray, if we can’t be honest with each other, if we can’t see in the wee small hours together with a glass of wine and silent thoughts …….. we don’t have a friendship. We may wish each other well, pray for each other, and we may have a sort of love for each other, philia maybe, but we don’t have a real friendship.
You are not my friends. When this blog tips over into too much honesty, too much openness, it’s not a healthy thing because you’re not there to say “Luce, that’s a whinge… you’re not being fair… you need to think again or rephrase or dump it.” and of course once the thing is written and read…. the damage is done.
What it boils down to is this: I think this blog doesn’t glorify God.
There’s a very hard but true teaching in the bible; If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. …. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away……
So, there you go, readers. I keep looking for a point of contact with the world and my trajectory is always just that little bit off, but blogs aren’t life, and life goes on, and life is good. I hope that your lives are good and that every day brings you closer and closer and closer to God.